Memories of the Unforgotten: Hands I Never got to Hold

Since I could remember I have dreamed of being a mother. Not a rocket scientist, a doctor, a movie star. A mother. I always dreamed that I would have 4 children; 2 girls and 2 boys. 

I was young when God blessed me with my first daughter. The Apple of my eye! I loved her from the moment I found out that I was pregnant. She was a little early but she was healthy as could be and just beautiful!

As years passed by another baby just didn’t happen for me. That was ok because the right man hadn’t happened for me either. After my daughter turned 5 there was no way that I was going to start over and have more babies! She would be in school, finally learning to do things for herself. No more bottles or diapers. Bathing and brushing her teeth on her own. Start over? No thanks. I was done.. 

Years later, my true love came along. I still wasn’t for having more kids. If it happen then it happen.

My first miscarriage happen shortly after we got together. I wasn’t far along at all. It went just as fast as it came. I didn’t even know I was pregnant yet. It was painful. To lose a life growing inside you. Attached. Living off your blood, your breath, your heart. I guess it helped somewhat that I didn’t know about it before I lost it. Well, I can’t say it helped, but I know it would have been harder if I would have known and had more of an attachment.

Time passed…. Then there was another.. And another.. Both of which I was not even aware yet that I was carrying. They got harder and harder to deal with. 1 loss turned into 3 so quickly. Why was this happening to me? Why are my pregnancies terminating so quickly? Before I can even give them a chance? What was I doing wrong? I had so many questions. And the doctors can’t tell you anything without paying an extreme amount of money and travelling from doctor to doctor. 

Can I just not make babies anymore? God blessed me with my daughter early on knowing that it wouldn’t be in the cards for me later? Knowing that I couldn’t carry a baby just made me want one so much more!

Until it happen! I was feeling nauseous. I had missed my period. As soon as we noticed we immediately rushed out for a test. I had been praying every night, crying to God, begging him to send us a healthy full term baby. I took the test and we set it up on a shelf. We waited ever so impatiently. As long as we could stand it. My better half grabbed it and took a look and gave me a look I will never forget. It was positive! At first we were in disbelief. Then we held each other and cried. This was the first time (since I’d had my first born) that I had carried long enough to miss my cycle and show positive on a test. This was the real deal! “We’re having a baby!”

The excitement was overwhelming. I couldn’t get into that first appointment fast enough! But finally the day came. We got to the doctors. I was a nervous wreck, praying that when they tested me that it too came back positive, just praying that the good news continues. Sure enough, POSITIVE! My prayers were answered! Next, they did my first ultrasound. I could not wait to see my little peanut! To get pictures printed out! To take them home, frame them and hang them on the wall! 

They looked and listened..but couldn’t find anything. There was the sac. Yes! Ok so I’m pregnant its just too early. That’s ok. “By your next appointment we will be able to see your baby”. Ok!

I was too excited to sit home and not prepare for my new little pumpkin! I went to the store’s baby section sooo many times looking at all the adorable baby things. Picturing the nursery. Will it be a boy or a girl? My better half doesn’t think he can make girls. Will I be the one to give him his girl? I couldn’t help myself, I just HAD to buy something! Yellow it was! It was a baby bottle! A little 4 oz yellow baby bottle. I’m googling everything. What my baby is doing now. What has grown this week. “I just can’t wait till the next appointment, to see my baby!”

OMG finally my appointment came. Excitement isn’t the word! I’m going to see my baby today! I get to hear his/her little baby heartbeat! This will be the best day ever!

I’m showered, hair done, looking my best (you have to look great on such important days). I sign in, wait patiently, the worry is over, I’m pregnant. The doctor said so. He said I’d be far enough this time and here we are! What could go wrong???

EVERYTHING! 

The nurse took me back. Got my weight. Took me to the ultrasound room. I laid down and she began..and continued…silently. She turned on the sound to listen for the heartbeat. Still, everything was silent. There is the sac. Where is my baby? Where is my babies heartbeat?

She took me to another room and told me my doctor would be in shortly. I sat there waiting. Me and my better half silent. I felt it coming. My eyes filled up while trying my best to stay positive and fight the tears. The doctor finally came. Looking at the ultrasound pictures. There’s no baby.

No.

No God, please. Please.

A ‘blighted ovum’ happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. I have no baby. My baby is gone.

How could this happen to me? How could God let this happen to me? 

I couldn’t take the news. I sat on that bed crying my eyes out. Why did he take my baby?! The doctor told me I would soon miscarry. Once again. Walking out through the waiting area to get out of the office, through a room filled with pregnant women, women with their babies. While I walk out with a wet, red face. No baby. Fuck all of you!

I’ve never felt so disgusted in my life. So hurt. Cut so deep.

Within a couple days I started to cramp. Later that night I woke up bleeding, gushing. Going to the bathroom time after time trying to contain it. I didn’t want to wake my better half. (I’d done this before. I bleed a while then everything is ok..) Becoming weaker and weaker each time I got up out of bed, I just couldn’t contain it, I could only sit on the toilet trying not to pass out from the blood loss. It was everywhere. I gathered the strength to get in the shower. I sat there watching the remains of my ‘baby’ gush out from below. Weeping. Praying for God to give me my baby back. (I’ll never forget my cries to God that night) He didn’t. Instead, my better half found me in the bathroom that looked like a crime scene, barely able to move, and rushed me to the ER, where they removed whatever large pieces they could, gave me 2 units of blood and performed a D&C. Worst day of my life. Not only did I lose my baby, (that I prayed for with every inch of my body and soul) but had to go through such a traumatizing loss.

4 miscarriages. This one will haunt me till the day I die. The next few months were agonizingly painful. Babies and pregnant women were everywhere I looked. TV, the store, neighbors, even my sister was pregnant with her 4th baby. Why not me? I would be a great mom. I would love my baby as much as my heart would let me, even more. I cried and cried and cried. Everyday when my family would take off for work and school I would close the door behind them and cry my eyes out until I fell asleep, wake up and repeat. How could I move on from this when everywhere I look is a constant reminder? I just couldn’t take it anymore. The thought of another miscarriage was unbearable and I just couldn’t handle it. “I give up”. It was time to have a talk with my better half. I told him I just can’t take another loss, I need to get on birth control. Somehow he convinced me not to give up, to give it one more shot. As hard as I wanted to fight him or even go ahead with my plan without him knowing for the sake of my sanity, I’m so glad I didn’t. I’m so thankful that he talked me out of it because within a few months I was pregnant with our beautiful baby boy!!! Fearful the entire pregnancy, our bundle of joy came out healthy and thriving! Malik Valentino!!  

And wouldn’t you know!!! 3 months after giving birth to my second child I discovered I was pregnant with Mr Romeo Alexander!!! 

God HAS answered my prayers! I am so in love with my 3 children, words could never describe. And through it all my hubby has been here holding my hand. Through the blood, sweat, tears, loss, pain, the impossible has become possible. God is great. 

To my babies whom I have yet to hold: I am your mommy, and you are my baby, and forever this will be. A day is coming where I will hold you in my arms, I will kiss your soft cheeks and whisper in your ear how much mommy loves you. Until the day I can hold your hand I will forever hold you in my heart.

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2 thoughts on “Memories of the Unforgotten: Hands I Never got to Hold

  1. Such a heartfelt post! 🙂 thank you for sharing such a personal story, it truly shows that no matter what difficulties and pains you are feeling or going through in life, you should never ever give up or lose hope! Always remember that GOD IS GREAT ❤ God bless you and your beautiful family xx

    Liked by 1 person

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