Memories of the Unforgotten: Hands I Never got to Hold

Since I could remember I have dreamed of being a mother. Not a rocket scientist, a doctor, a movie star. A mother. I always dreamed that I would have 4 children; 2 girls and 2 boys. 

I was young when God blessed me with my first daughter. The Apple of my eye! I loved her from the moment I found out that I was pregnant. She was a little early but she was healthy as could be and just beautiful!

As years passed by another baby just didn’t happen for me. That was ok because the right man hadn’t happened for me either. After my daughter turned 5 there was no way that I was going to start over and have more babies! She would be in school, finally learning to do things for herself. No more bottles or diapers. Bathing and brushing her teeth on her own. Start over? No thanks. I was done.. 

Years later, my true love came along. I still wasn’t for having more kids. If it happen then it happen.

My first miscarriage happen shortly after we got together. I wasn’t far along at all. It went just as fast as it came. I didn’t even know I was pregnant yet. It was painful. To lose a life growing inside you. Attached. Living off your blood, your breath, your heart. I guess it helped somewhat that I didn’t know about it before I lost it. Well, I can’t say it helped, but I know it would have been harder if I would have known and had more of an attachment.

Time passed…. Then there was another.. And another.. Both of which I was not even aware yet that I was carrying. They got harder and harder to deal with. 1 loss turned into 3 so quickly. Why was this happening to me? Why are my pregnancies terminating so quickly? Before I can even give them a chance? What was I doing wrong? I had so many questions. And the doctors can’t tell you anything without paying an extreme amount of money and travelling from doctor to doctor. 

Can I just not make babies anymore? God blessed me with my daughter early on knowing that it wouldn’t be in the cards for me later? Knowing that I couldn’t carry a baby just made me want one so much more!

Until it happen! I was feeling nauseous. I had missed my period. As soon as we noticed we immediately rushed out for a test. I had been praying every night, crying to God, begging him to send us a healthy full term baby. I took the test and we set it up on a shelf. We waited ever so impatiently. As long as we could stand it. My better half grabbed it and took a look and gave me a look I will never forget. It was positive! At first we were in disbelief. Then we held each other and cried. This was the first time (since I’d had my first born) that I had carried long enough to miss my cycle and show positive on a test. This was the real deal! “We’re having a baby!”

The excitement was overwhelming. I couldn’t get into that first appointment fast enough! But finally the day came. We got to the doctors. I was a nervous wreck, praying that when they tested me that it too came back positive, just praying that the good news continues. Sure enough, POSITIVE! My prayers were answered! Next, they did my first ultrasound. I could not wait to see my little peanut! To get pictures printed out! To take them home, frame them and hang them on the wall! 

They looked and listened..but couldn’t find anything. There was the sac. Yes! Ok so I’m pregnant its just too early. That’s ok. “By your next appointment we will be able to see your baby”. Ok!

I was too excited to sit home and not prepare for my new little pumpkin! I went to the store’s baby section sooo many times looking at all the adorable baby things. Picturing the nursery. Will it be a boy or a girl? My better half doesn’t think he can make girls. Will I be the one to give him his girl? I couldn’t help myself, I just HAD to buy something! Yellow it was! It was a baby bottle! A little 4 oz yellow baby bottle. I’m googling everything. What my baby is doing now. What has grown this week. “I just can’t wait till the next appointment, to see my baby!”

OMG finally my appointment came. Excitement isn’t the word! I’m going to see my baby today! I get to hear his/her little baby heartbeat! This will be the best day ever!

I’m showered, hair done, looking my best (you have to look great on such important days). I sign in, wait patiently, the worry is over, I’m pregnant. The doctor said so. He said I’d be far enough this time and here we are! What could go wrong???

EVERYTHING! 

The nurse took me back. Got my weight. Took me to the ultrasound room. I laid down and she began..and continued…silently. She turned on the sound to listen for the heartbeat. Still, everything was silent. There is the sac. Where is my baby? Where is my babies heartbeat?

She took me to another room and told me my doctor would be in shortly. I sat there waiting. Me and my better half silent. I felt it coming. My eyes filled up while trying my best to stay positive and fight the tears. The doctor finally came. Looking at the ultrasound pictures. There’s no baby.

No.

No God, please. Please.

A ‘blighted ovum’ happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. I have no baby. My baby is gone.

How could this happen to me? How could God let this happen to me? 

I couldn’t take the news. I sat on that bed crying my eyes out. Why did he take my baby?! The doctor told me I would soon miscarry. Once again. Walking out through the waiting area to get out of the office, through a room filled with pregnant women, women with their babies. While I walk out with a wet, red face. No baby. Fuck all of you!

I’ve never felt so disgusted in my life. So hurt. Cut so deep.

Within a couple days I started to cramp. Later that night I woke up bleeding, gushing. Going to the bathroom time after time trying to contain it. I didn’t want to wake my better half. (I’d done this before. I bleed a while then everything is ok..) Becoming weaker and weaker each time I got up out of bed, I just couldn’t contain it, I could only sit on the toilet trying not to pass out from the blood loss. It was everywhere. I gathered the strength to get in the shower. I sat there watching the remains of my ‘baby’ gush out from below. Weeping. Praying for God to give me my baby back. (I’ll never forget my cries to God that night) He didn’t. Instead, my better half found me in the bathroom that looked like a crime scene, barely able to move, and rushed me to the ER, where they removed whatever large pieces they could, gave me 2 units of blood and performed a D&C. Worst day of my life. Not only did I lose my baby, (that I prayed for with every inch of my body and soul) but had to go through such a traumatizing loss.

4 miscarriages. This one will haunt me till the day I die. The next few months were agonizingly painful. Babies and pregnant women were everywhere I looked. TV, the store, neighbors, even my sister was pregnant with her 4th baby. Why not me? I would be a great mom. I would love my baby as much as my heart would let me, even more. I cried and cried and cried. Everyday when my family would take off for work and school I would close the door behind them and cry my eyes out until I fell asleep, wake up and repeat. How could I move on from this when everywhere I look is a constant reminder? I just couldn’t take it anymore. The thought of another miscarriage was unbearable and I just couldn’t handle it. “I give up”. It was time to have a talk with my better half. I told him I just can’t take another loss, I need to get on birth control. Somehow he convinced me not to give up, to give it one more shot. As hard as I wanted to fight him or even go ahead with my plan without him knowing for the sake of my sanity, I’m so glad I didn’t. I’m so thankful that he talked me out of it because within a few months I was pregnant with our beautiful baby boy!!! Fearful the entire pregnancy, our bundle of joy came out healthy and thriving! Malik Valentino!!  

And wouldn’t you know!!! 3 months after giving birth to my second child I discovered I was pregnant with Mr Romeo Alexander!!! 

God HAS answered my prayers! I am so in love with my 3 children, words could never describe. And through it all my hubby has been here holding my hand. Through the blood, sweat, tears, loss, pain, the impossible has become possible. God is great. 

To my babies whom I have yet to hold: I am your mommy, and you are my baby, and forever this will be. A day is coming where I will hold you in my arms, I will kiss your soft cheeks and whisper in your ear how much mommy loves you. Until the day I can hold your hand I will forever hold you in my heart.

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Tonight’s Dinner: Smoked Sausage & Corn Chowder

​Ingredients:      

1 pkg Smoked Sausage, sliced

1 can whole kernel sweet corn

1 can cream corn

1 onion, chopped

1 green pepper, chopped (optional)

4-6 cups milk

16oz sour cream

4-5 medium/small yukon potatoes

1 tbsp olive oil

Salt & pepper

Directions:

In the bottom of a large heavy bottom soup pot. Saute onions and green peppers (optional) until soft in a tbsp of olive oil. Add sausage and saute until heated through or lightly browned. Add corn, cream corn and potatoes. Add milk and salt & pepper to taste. Bring to a boil and then allow soup to simmer on low heat for several hours.

We haven’t tried this yet! I hope its great. We’ll see in a few hours! Enjoy!

If you guys try this please let me know what you think or any tweeks!! Thanks πŸ˜€πŸ˜€

Gain Fireworks: Sniff Sniff Hooray all around the house!!!

This morning I was browsing Pinterest (as I usually do) and came across a whole crap load of outside the box ideas that you can use Gain Fireworks for. Not just for laundry anymore folks! 

I don’t know about you but I have ALWAYS LOVED the smell of Gain! Ever since I was a child. I just hated when my mom would buy anything else. Why would you? Gain smells amazing! Hello?!? Anyways mom.. So to have it in extra places around the house is a genius concept to me!

I have tried Gain Fireworks before (and of course, they are amazing!) but I have not tried any of these ideas YET. These are just ideas I found online that could possibly be amazingly beneficial to our lives. I do not have Gain Fireworks on hand at the moment but as soon as I do believe me I will be putting them to use!

Without further ado, here are the fab finds(or not so much, we will see!). Please be fab!!

  • Vacuum Bag Freshener Just sprinkle Gain Fireworks onto your carpet and vacuum them up. It will make your room smell good while vacuuming and help keep away that musty vacuum smell! 

Yes please! I absolutely love this idea! At the moment my vacuum smells HORRIBLE due to an AC situation gone bad.. THIS sounds like a great idea!

  • Cat Litter Odor Reducer Mix in some Gain Fireworks when you add fresh litter to your kitty box. It should extend the life of your litter and help it to smell fresh for a longer period of time.

Now, I do not have cats so I will not be testing this one out. It sounds like a great idea, but I am pretty sure this product has not been tested in this manner, I do not know if it is safe for animals. Just saying. Whatever. Have fabulous smelling cat litter at your own cats risk.

  • Homemade Air Freshener Poke holes in the lid of a clean baby food jar, add a teaspoon of Gain Fireworks. Seal the lid tightly and place in direct sunlight to activate the fresh scent!

Yes. I love it. I have seen many different versions of this, but this seems to be the least time consuming and least costly, especially since I ALWAYS have tons of baby food jars that I don’t know what to do with! Oh, and I have the perfect window seal! In the morning the sun beams right into my living room. Perfect!

  • Drawer Freshener add 1 teaspoon of Gain Fireworks to a small mesh bag and tie up with a pretty little bow(or an ugly string, no one will see it) and toss into your drawers. Never have clothes that don’t smell amazing.

I will be trying this. Although I like DIYs that don’t really cause me to go to the store with a list. I don’t have mesh bags lying around but I will see what I’ve got. I have always put dryer sheets in my drawers, this sounds 10 times better!

  • Wax Melts fill a ice tray slots with Gain Fireworks and microwave until melted together, checking often, freeze for a small amount of time, just until firm, pop one on a wax burner.

I bet this makes your home smell amazing! I do not have a wax warmer, but more and more everyday I wish I did! This is a great idea. I’ve also seen where you can just pour them right on top of the warmer. I’m not sure of the difference until I try it, so whatever suits you best.

  • DIY ‘Febreeze’ Spray 1/4 cup of Gain Fireworks, 4 tablespoons of baking soda and 1 cup of hot water. Dissolve and add to a spray bottle. Fill the rest of the bottle with water. Shake. Spray everything!!!

Who doesn’t love fabric freshener?!? I know I do! ‘They’ say this lasts longer than Febreeze! Yes please! SPRAY EVERYTHING!

  •  Get Rid of Garbage Disposal Odors This can be done two ways.  If you need to get rid of odors right away, pour some of the Gain Fireworks down your garbage disposal, run and grind with hot water.  For a more long term fresh scent, pour the beads down the disposal and let them sit overnight.  That will keep your garbage disposal smelling fresh longer

I do not have a garbage disposal but sounds worth a shot for those who do have one!

  • Get rid of Kitchen Garbage Odors Put a teaspoon of Gain Fireworks into a snack sized plastic ziplock bag.  Poke tiny holes in the bag with a sewing needle and place it in the bottom of your kitchen trash can under the trash bag. Plastic can sometimes absorb stinky smells.  The Gain Fireworks can help stop that from happening.


Ok. I have 2 babies! Diapers wreak!!! This is a must do I my house!! No questions asked! I also see that some people just pour them in the bottom of the can.. Hmm..

  • Add Scent to Scent-free Baby Wipes Add a nice smell to scent-free wipes by adding a teaspoon of Gain Fireworks to the bottom of your wipes container.  Over time, it will diffuse it’s smell into the baby wipes.  This also works well for homemade baby wipes.

I’m up against the fence on this one.. I like the idea but my newborn has sensitive skin.. Maybe I will try it maybe not.

  • Scented Foot Soak Add 1/2 teaspoon of Gain Fireworks to a basin of hot water. Stir and dissolve the beads and then add cold water until it’s a comfortable temperature.  This makes a really nice and cheap foot soak.

This is worth a shot! Hey any excuse to soak my feet I will take it!!! 

So that’s it guys! These are my finds for the day. If you try one or have any other ideas please comment and let us know! I will be posting what I try out! Have a great day everyone! Stay fresh!

Let’s Talk Fitness!

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Let’s Get Started!

My First Time

Good beautiful morning!

So today begins my life as a blogger! Brand new. Fresh out the box. Ahh this is scary! 

But I can’t wait to ‘get out there and show ’em whatcha got!’ 

My entire life revolves around my children, my husband and our home. I intend to bring info (tips/tricks/recipes/new products) that may make someone’s life a little easier. Shoot I really am not 100% sure what on earth I will be blogging, but I’m sure I will get there!

So, here we go! Hang in there with me!

Till next time 😘